Just told my two youngest (9 and 12) that we were getting a divorce. I think it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. One of those before and after moments: life for them in an instant is completely changed from what it was before we told them about the divorce. I will never forget the look on their faces. They thought everything was getting better and we shattered that.
I found out less than 2 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with my brother's (just became) ex wife. He says it wasn't really anything serious, more of a comfort thing. Yeah, okay.
He still blames me for everything: his drinking, screwing up the kids, and ultimately, his desire for a divorce. Apparently, its all my fault. Sucked as a wife, mother and all around human being.
I found some things that he has written down regarding his feelings towards me and this whole situation. He somehow perceives himself as being the victim. He has worked 60 hour weeks, been a cheerful hardworking father, mowed the grass, done things with the kids, gotten them to go outside, cooked them healthy meals, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, I haven't done anything according to him but spend HIS money.
Reality: up until 5 months ago, he was a drunk. 5 years ago he got kicked out of his family business (the buyout is what we have been living on since he hasn't made enough to support us- almost done, then nothing); spent 9 months drinking from morning until night (while we were undergoing a major house renovation that we had begun out of necessity, which I had to do completely by myself, from start to finish); was angry and scary around the kids and they did not want to be around him; would drive them around drunk constantly while I was unaware until after the fact;for years he did not even cut the grass let alone do anything else around the house; has, since being sober approx 5 months tried to portray himself as the hardworking, ever suffering, wonderful father; has cooked bratwurst, steaks and burgers as his "healthy" meals which the kids don't want to eat; and has basically minimized all damage he has done while blaming me for as much of it as he can.
Okay, I know I am not perfect. Who is? But I am aware and own up to my imperfections. The deterioration of our marriage was both of our faults. However, I had to be the only responsible parent during his drunken years. There wasn't anybody else. I think he resents that. He resents that he couldn't immediately reenter our family life as a husband, father and be respected. Somehow he didn't understand that respect had to be earned back and it wasn't a quick process. He said that he quit drinking and therefore he "changed". That the reason he decided he wanted a divorce is because I didn't "change". To this day, I still have no awareness of what that change is suppose to be. I also realize (been to a few alanon meetings) that it doesn't matter what he says. It only matters what I do.
This whole process is hard and scary. Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 4 kids but being virtually unemployed (been trying to find a full time job for a long time because real estate isn't profitable enough for me right now) and trying to wrap my brain around how we are going to blow a bunch of money that we don't have on attorneys and two households is utterly terrifying.
I feel like I have let my kids down. How can I be 50 years old and not have the means to support them? I know it doesn't do any good to beat myself up (my husband has done enough of that, emotionally, as it is) but its hard to feel good about myself when I can't even get a mortgage or pay rent.
I know what I am going through is ridiculously common. I guess I should take some comfort in that. Other people have gone through this and they are okay. Maybe not at first, but eventually they are okay.
I have no idea if anybody will read this but I know that just writing it makes me feel better so anybody out there who takes the time to read my ramblings, I really, really, appreciate it.
Thank you.
